


(My heart is layers of scar.)

by TerraYoung



Series: Short Stories from the Waverider [2]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death, POV Second Person, autistic characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-22 01:02:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12469996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerraYoung/pseuds/TerraYoung
Summary: I have loved since you.  But when the new paint gets scratched, there you are underneath.





	(My heart is layers of scar.)

 1: 

 

The night you kiss Felicity you dream of Anna. Fortunately, it's one of the rare ones that doesn't recreate her death behind your closed eyes.  _Un_ fortunately, it builds upon the guilt you've felt ever since you came to your senses after the kiss. 

You're in your office and you're kissing Felicity, like you had in reality. But partway through the kiss the woman you're kissing becomes Anna. Her lips become softer, she begins to smell like lavender perfume, and her hair grows until it just barely brushes your hands on her waist. You don't want to break the kiss, but you both need to breathe eventually. 

When you try leaning in for another kiss, Anna pushes you back with a hand on your chest. Her warm eyes are clouded with tears. 

"How could you kiss her?" Anna asks. "I've barely been dead six months, and you're kissing someone else?"

"I - I - I still love you, I promise," you plead. "I always will. But Felicity's nice, and funny, and smart, and -"

"Alive?" There's a cruel tone to Anna's voice that you've never heard in reality. "There?"

"Anna,  _please_!" You look around as the office begins to fade around you. Soon there's nothing but you, Anna, and blackness. "It's not that! I love you! But... But I think I might like Felicity, too. I'm still working on figuring it out."

Then Anna begins to fade as well. 

"No, no, no, no,  _no_! Please don't go! I'll do anything, just please -" you jerk awake in a too-empty bed- "...Please stay." 

Steadfastly ignoring the empty side of the bed, you run a hand over your face. Turning to your bedside table reveals you've managed to get four hours of sleep - a new record for this week. Your eyes are begging you to close them again, but you know that'll just bring more nightmares. 

So you turn on the lamp, throw back the covers, and roll out of bed. There's a few projects you should probably work on anyways.

 

 

2: 

 

You weren't lying when you told Felicity about being a huge fan of nice art or how you rotate paintings with your collection in the local art museum. She never asked how you got into art in the first place, so unless lying by omission counts you didn't lie to her the whole night. 

Anna's the one that managed to get you to like art. You hadn't exactly  _hated_ it before - your interests just lay in left-brained things instead. Then you started dating Anna, and she'd taken you to an art museum one day. You'd spent  _hours_ in there, Anna dragging you from painting to painting and excitedly info-dumping about her favorite artists, techniques, and paintings. She got you hooked. 

And while Felicity may have misidentified that painting as a Van Gogh, she was right in assuming that you would've had one. Van Gogh had been one of Anna's favorite artists. You haven't been able to look at any of his paintings without breaking into tears since she died. 

 

 

3: 

 

After you get shot by that arrow but before you wake up in the hospital, you dream of Anna. It's so nice you almost don't want to wake up. 

You're lying on the grass in some park somewhere, with your head in Anna's lap. The air is nice and warm, and there's a light breeze blowing that keeps you from getting hot. Anna's gently running a hand through your hair. 

"You can't stay here forever," Anna begins, "you know that, right?"

Your eyes flutter open, and you smile contentedly once Anna's face swims into view. "Why not? It's not like we have anywhere to be."

"I don't, no. But  _you_ do." Anna stops moving her hand. When you whine at the loss of contact she presses a kiss to your forehead. "None of this is real, Ray. You're dying, and if you don't wake up now you never will."

"What if I don't want to wake up?" You ask, your smile slipping. "I want to stay with you."

Anna frowns. "You can't, sweetheart. There's so much left yet for you to do." She kisses your lips briefly. "But I promise you won't be alone. I love you."

"I love you, too." The words spring to your lips reflexively, easier than breathing. 

"Then  _wake up_." 

 

 

4:

 

The first think you think of, almost guiltily, after learning that time travel is real is I _could save Anna. I could change things so she never died. Forget being the ATOM, forget meeting Felicity, if those things go away because Anna lives, then_  - 

Then you'd never be able to forgive yourself. All those people you saved, all those lives you touched, sacrificed for her life? You might be able to do it, but the guilt would haunt you forever. And Anna would blame herself. 

So, no matter how much you fantasize about the possibility, you can't deliberately change things to bring Anna back. It wouldn't be right. But if a butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane, maybe something else you do will result in Anna living instead of dying. Maybe...

 

 

5:

 

You don't dream of Anna after Kendra kisses you - it's been long enough since her death that dreams of her happen only once a month, if that. You do think of her, though. Considering Kendra's only the second person you've kissed since Anna you're not surprised. 

That night, after you've tucked yourself away in your room, the memory of your first kiss with Anna echoes in your brain. She'd kissed you first, just like Kendra. Even cut you off mid-sentence as well. You'd been babbling on about...something...and Anna had just smiled, shaken her head, and grabbed your shirt to pull you into a kiss. 

...You can't remember what Anna's smile looked like. It was bright and beautiful and never failed to make you smile back, but how it  _looked_ is escaping you. You scramble for your wallet and dig through it like a madman. After everything else has been tossed to the ground, you finally find the picture of the two of you that you always have on you. Then you stare at Anna's smile until you're sure you can recreate it in your mind. 

It's been almost two years since Anna died, and it still scares you half to death when you realize you've forgotten something about her. Something that you can never get back - like what her laugh sounded like, or what she grumbled every time you tried waking her up before eleven on the weekends. You're fairly certain Anna's favorite color was green, but you're not sure if she preferred any particular shade. 

More and more memories are slipping away with every day that passes. You don't want to be stuck in the past, but neither do you want to lose some of the few things of Anna you have left. 

 

 

6:

 

Nearly two years into being stuck in the 50s - and just barely over into your relationship with Kendra - and you find yourself eying the jewelry store each time you walk home from work. You keep getting fixated on Kendra's ring finger and lingering over how it feels when people assume the two of you are married. It's been close to four years since Anna died; the thought of marrying someone else doesn't really sting anymore. But it does feel weird. 

So one day, when you have off and Kendra doesn't, you head over to the local Catholic church. It's not your faith, but it  _was_ Anna's, so it seems like the perfect place to think. There's an empty bench just outside the church and right next to a garden. You wave at the priest watering some tomatoes before sitting down. You're not there long when said priest comes around to stand in front of you. 

He gestures to the empty spot on the bench. "Mind if I -?"

"No, go ahead," you say. You scoot over to give him some room. "I'm Ray, btw." The priest gives you an odd stare. Right, modern slang. "Sorry, I meant "by the way"."

"Father Dan Gartner." He holds out a hand for a handshake, which you accept. "What are you doing here, Ray? Most people go  _inside_ the church." 

You shrug. "I'm not Catholic - didn't want to intrude. And I'm here to think." 

"Mind if I ask about what?"

"Um, short version? I was engaged to an amazing woman - Anna - about four years ago. But, uh, we ran into some...unpleasant characters...and she was killed. I dated another woman less than a year later, but she was really in love with some other guy." You let out a sigh. "About a year after that, I started dating Kendra. We've been together two years now, and things have been great, and I've been thinking about proposing, but - I dunno. I know I'm not disrespecting Anna's memory or anything, but something about it just feels weird." You turn to Father Dan. "Does that make any sense?"

"It does," Father Dan says simply. "The last time you reached this point in a relationship, you were with your late fiancée. Naturally you'd think of her now. And I'm sure there's some feelings of regret and such knowing that you're planning on getting married to someone else when you never got the chance with her." He adjusts his glasses and scratches his chin. "I never knew Anna - and I don't want to speak for her - but if she truly loved you, I think she'd want you to be happy. Even if it couldn't be with her." 

There's nothing but the sound of the wind rustling through the trees for the longest time. 

"I - that makes sense," you finally reply. "Thank you, Father." 

"You're welcome," he says. 

You check your watch and jump to your feet. "I  _really_ hate to cut this short, but I promised Kendra I'd do some errands. If I don't go now, I won't get them done before she gets back. It was really nice talking to you." 

"And to you." 

 

 

7:

 

Anna's here. Anna's here, on the ship. Anna's here, on the ship, and she's  _alive_. It's just for now, just until she and your team's loved ones get dropped off in their proper times, but still. 

You'd talked to Kendra not too far into your relationship, and you'd both agreed that if you ever ran into a past version of your lost loved ones, you'd get a free pass to be with them. For as long as the Waverider was in that time at least. You both understand how hard it is to lose someone you love, and are okay with each of you stealing a few more moments with them. You'd double-checked with Kendra just in case, then headed back to Anna once Kendra'd given you the all-clear. 

"Hey, I'm back," you say fairly pointlessly as you re-enter the room. "How're you doing?"

Anna snorts. "Just trying to wrap my mind around this whole-" she gestures randomly in the air- "time travel thing. It's confusing."

"It gave me a lot of trouble too, at first." You hop up on the bed next to Anna. The scent of her lavender perfume overwhelms you for a moment - it's almost the same as you'd remembered it. "Ten wasn't kidding when he described time as a big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff."

"Can't wait for the next season to start." Anna leans her head on your shoulder. "Wait, you're from my future, right?"

You laugh. "I'm not giving you any spoilers."

"Who said I was gonna ask for some?"

"Nobody had to. I just knew you were planning on it."

Anna sighs. "You know me too well." She pauses for a moment. "Fine. Can you at least tell me if Twelve's a good Doctor or not?"

Since she won't live to see it... "He's amazing. Actually my second favorite Doctor after Nine."

"Really?" Anna asks. She tucks her arm into yours and starts sliding her hand down your arm. "He must be really -" Anna's hand reaches yours. "Ray?"

"Yeah?"

"Where's your wedding ring?"

"I, uh, um -" you stammer complete nonsense as you try to figure out what to tell her. "It's -"

"Because our wedding's in July," Anna continues, sitting up straight and growing panicked, "and we would be married by the time Twelve's first season starts. And you must've seen at least a full season if he's your second favorite, so you should have a ring since we would be married for months by then." Tears start forming in her eyes. "Please just tell me it's around your neck or in a drawer or something to keep it safe while you're out there saving the day.  _Please_." 

You begin to tear up, too. "I...I can't lie to you, Annie. I'm sorry, but I can't." You lean forward to wipe away Anna's tears, then press a kiss to each cheek. "So please don't ask me what happens. Because then I'd tell you, and then either the future will change or you'll try to and it won't. And we're not allowed to change our own pasts, so... Don't ask. Please, don't ask."

Anna takes several deep breaths. When she's finally calmed down a bit, she says, "Okay, I won't ask you what happens. Can I - Can I at least ask if you're not alone?"

"You can," you answer. "And I'm not. I've got a few friends back in Star...ling, and the rest of the team's pretty nice. Even the criminals aren't too bad once you get to know 'em."

"Good." Anna kisses your lips. "Good." 

 

 

8: 

 

Kendra leaves. Just like Felicity left. Thankfully not like how Anna was taken from you. Kendra choosing Carter over you hurts worse than you could've possibly imagined, but it's infinitely better than her having been killed. 

Once you get back on the Waverider, after the whole situation with that Rex Tyler guy, Mick herds you towards the kitchen/dining room. He grabs two beers and slides one over to you. You drink them together in silence. 

Thankfully you don't dream of anything that night - not of Kendra, not of Anna, not of anything. It's not a peaceful sleep by any means, but it's better than it could've been. 

 

 

9:

 

You don't have feelings for Mick - you  _don't_. You  _can't_. He's still hung up on Snart, for one. For two,none of your relationships from Anna on have worked out, with the only common denominator being you. You've never been good enough - either not good enough to save Anna, or not good enough to be Felicity or Kendra's first choice. So your options are not being able to save Mick, or lose him to Snart when he inevitably comes back. And you can't do that to Mick or yourself. 

So you can't  _like_ Mick. 

You can't like how he hides his true feelings behind gruffness and insults. You can't like the wild grin he flashes right before he throws himself into danger. You  _especially_ can't like all the little similarities he has to Anna - the intent stare while hyperfixating on something, letting you ramble on and on despite not understanding your technobabble, the love of puns... 

Mick and Anna might've somehow gotten along had they ever met, and that thought is the final straw for some reason. You tuck your knees even closer to your chest and bury your head in your arms. It's hard to keep from hyperventilating and spiraling into a panic attack, but you barely manage to make it. You do lose track of time, though. 

Gideon's voice, passing on a message from Sara, makes you jump. As much as you hate to do so, you tell her that you're not feeling up to the mission. Then you lay down on your mattress and pull out your phone so you can play a mindless game. 

You may have staved off the panic attack now, but you're too close to the edge to go out and risk getting another one. The only thing worse than a panic attack is a panic attack in the middle of a mission to fix a time aberration. All the nasty things that happen during a panic attack with a side of potential death and/or ruining the timeline. 

But instead of a mindless game, the first thing you do is go through your pictures of Anna and think about what could've been. 

 

 

10:

 

"Five more minutes," Anna grumbles as you shake her shoulder. 

You laugh before pressing a kiss next to where you're shaking her. "That's what you said five minutes ago. And the five minutes before that, and the five minutes before  _that_ -"

" _Fine_." Anna sighs as she rolls onto her back. "You want to be on Joy wake-up duty, or should I?" 

"Can you?" You ask. "I was gonna make pancakes for everyone today, and it's kinda hard to do that and carry a toddler."

Anna sits up. "Sure. Knowing your luck she's gonna want you to pick her up anyway once she sees you."

"Least I'll be able to get a head start." 

You blink and you're all sitting at the breakfast table already. You've got a piece of pancake halfway to your mouth, and Anna's busy cutting up Joy's second pancake for her. It takes a second for your memory to fill in how you got from point A to point B. When it does, you finally release the tension you didn't even know you were carrying. 

Anna finishes with Joy's pancake and turns to face you. "You okay, sweetheart?"

"Yeah..." you shake your head. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit tired still."

"You and me both," Anna replies. She leans over to kiss you. "Just don't fall asleep during that meeting of yours, and I'll try not to fall asleep in the middle of performing surgery on a cat or something."

"Meeting? What meeting?"

"The one you've been fretting over for a week? The one that'll get Starling free energy if it goes well?"

You frown. "Star _ling_?" For some reason the name doesn't sound quite right. And the meeting  _still_ isn't ringing any bells.

"Right, sorry,  _Star_ City," Anna jokingly corrects. "You'll get 'em to change the name eventually."

"...Right."

There's another blink-induced time skip, though you barely notice it this time. Honestly, if it weren't for how you're suddenly wearing a suit you wouldn't have even noticed. Everyone but you and Felicity are filing out of the meeting room, and Felicity's smiling. Must've gone well then.

"Well, that went well," Felicity says, almost as though she'd read your mind. "I mean great, or fantastic, or -" she shakes her head- "You know what I mean." Felicity chuckles, but you're too lost in thought to chime in. "You're  _sure_ you're okay?" 

"Yeah," you answer. You're not sure if you're lying or not. "Just tired."

Felicity nods. "Toddlers can cause that, I've heard."

"I'm gonna go finish up some paperwork." You gesture towards your office as you back out of the conference room. "You can head home early if you want."

"Thanks, but I've got stuff of my own to work on. Good luck, though!"

"Thank you!"

One hour and ten pages of paperwork later, you're shaken out of your groove by someone barging into your office. He's big and burly, with white skin and a shaved head. The guy's not bad-looking by any means - far from it, really - but he certainly doesn't look like he belongs in a place like this. You've never seen him before in your life and yet he seems achingly familiar. 

He locks eyes with you and visibly sags in relief. "Good. The professor's idea actually worked. C'mon, Haircut, you gotta come with me."

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" You ask. Your hand steadily creeps towards the silent alarm. Something in you says that the guy in your office isn't here to hurt anyone or steal anything, but you can never be too careful. "And what's with calling me "Haircut", of all things?"

"Oh,  _great_." The man rolls his eyes to the ceiling. "The amniotic...omniscience... _amnesia'_ s already kicking in. Said I'd have another ten minutes."

"What are you  _talking about_?" 

"So callin' you Haircut doesn't ring any bells?" 

You shake your head. 

"Does me being named Mick Rory?" He looks hopeful this time. 

It...kinda does, so you shrug. You don't remember a Mick, but the name seems just as familiar as the man before you - like a dream that's already started to fade away. 

"What about your ATOM suit, or the Waverider? Kendra Saunders? T-Rex named Gertrude?"

"I...kinda." You rest both hands on your desk, silent alarm forgotten. "Look, what is this all about, anyway, Mr. ...Rory, right?"

"'S Mick," he corrects. "An' I'm gonna rip the bandaid off an' jus' tell you that none of this is real." 

" _What_?"

"This picture perfect, cookie cutter life o' yours. It's all jus' a dream this...creature thing is creating for you. Givin' you your perfect world so you don't realize it's killing you."

You huff out a laugh. "Say I believe you - which I don't - if this is my perfect world, why are you here? Shouldn't the creature not want me to wake up? Or are you a figment of my subconscious here to tell me that the jig is up?"

"None of the above," Mick says, shaking his head. "Professor rigged me up to that machine we used on Hunter when -"

"-we had to de-brainwash him 'cause of what the Legion did." You frown. "Wait, how'd I know that?"

"Guess you're starting to remember. Now do I need to drag you to the exit, or can you wake up on your own?"

"I... Wait, what about Anna and Joy?" You ask. "If this place isn't real, then what about them?" 

"They're real, too," Mick says. "'S just not perfect since you don't get to see 'em often as you'd like." 

Something about what he said doesn't feel right, but you really don't want to think about that too hard. If you can't convince yourself that Anna and Joy are out in the real world you'll never wake up. 

Mick folds his arms. "So, what'll it be?"

"I can wake up my-" You blink and find yourself in the Waverider's medbay- "self." A creepy-looking, black, creature crawls off your chest and falls on the floor. It doesn't make it a foot before it curls up and dies. Mick smirks at the sight when he wakes up a moment later. 

"Glad that's over," Mick says. He stands up, offers you a hand up yourself, and then leans against a nearby shelf. 

"How are you doing, Raymond?" Martin asks. He heads over from where he'd been standing by the medical screen. "I admit it's much better seeing you up and about."

"Pretty good, actually." You glance down at your left ring finger. Your  _empty_ left ring finger. You whirl around and point accusingly at Mick. "You said Anna and Joy were real, too! You  _said_ they'd be here!" Tears prick the corners of your eyes, but you do your best to ignore them. "You  _said_!"

"Who are -"

Martin's question is interrupted by Mick saying, "I lied. If you knew your wife an' kid weren't out here in the real world, you never woulda woken up."

You stomp over to Mick. "But at least I would've been happy!" You angrily rub at your eyes. "Anna's dead, and Joy...never existed. I had a  _daughter_ in there, Mick, and out here she wasn't ever conceived, let alone born!" 

Mick just stands there and takes your anger, your yelling. He doesn't look regretful, he doesn't look sad, he doesn't look like anything at all.

"Aren't you going to say anything?! Try to defend yourself?"

"You might've been happy, but you also would've been  _dead_ before too long," Mick finally says. "An' I wasn't gonna let that happen. I...I can't lose another partner."

"...Oh," is all you can say in response. 

"I'm just gonna -" Martin gestures towards the door and exits the medbay. Neither you nor Mick really notice. 

Mick drags a hand over his face. "Look, I'm not good at this feelings crap. Never have, never will. But I - I  _care_ about you." His expression implies that he meant another word entirely. "I do. An' you dyin', especially so soon after Len did?" Mick shakes his head. "There's no way I'd be able to take it. So hate me all you want, but I can't regret savin' you." 

Your face softens and you head closer to Mick. You rest a hand on his cheek. "I could never hate you," you whisper before guiding Mick into a kiss. 

 

 

11:

 

You'll always love Anna - there's no way for you to stop. But the more time passes by and the farther you get away from her death, the less you think of her. It's a sobering thought once you realize that. 

You pull out the picture of the two of you on one of the few quiet days on the Waverider. The photo is faded and worn from being in your wallet for so many years. You kiss it, take a deep breath, and tuck it away in your memory box. 

You'll never be able to bring yourself to get rid of the photo, and you don't have to. Loving Anna for the rest of your life is a gift, not a curse. But you shouldn't hang on to a fading memory so hard you leave bruises. The picture will be in that box whenever you need it. You don't need it on you anymore. 


End file.
